We had to go buy a new bed because ours was one of those air mattress types and it had a slow leak, of course on my side, which just adds to my insecurities about being fat. Anyway, my hubby said, "just throw on some sweats and let's go because we have to place our order before noon to get the bed delivered today." I do not have any sweats because that is another of my fat rules, "fat people should not wear sweats because it only draws attention to their fatness". So, I threw on a pair of jeans, these were newly washed jeans so they were a bit tight and then it occurred to me, I really prefer to wear my jeans multiple times because it gives the impression that I have lost weight because my pants are too big. I am going to start wearing my jeans for a month without washing because people may say, "Hey have you lost weight?" And I will say, "My pants are looking a little big!" It's not like I will lie or anything, I just won't tell the truth. Now if they say, "Hey have you gone without washing those jeans for a month because they look all stretched out? Then I will have to admit, not only am I fat, I am a pig!

I was chatting with a friend last night; well to be specific I was chatting with my skinny bitch friends daughter. We were commenting on how little miss skinny gave me the rule about only eating things that have a mother, came from the ground or are not white and Geri and I were remembering when we were skinny bitches and believed in those rules. We once could not understand how someone could allow themselves to be so large they had to actually wear a double digit size. Then Geri pointed out that she got in a size eight and proceeded to put her butt in her mother's face to point out that she was in an eight. I guess Geri is now a skinny bitch too!

This blog was supposed to motivate me not my followers; what's wrong with this picture? I was sick and I mean felt miserable, yet didn't lose a lousy pound.

I have all these odd fat rules if you will; such as never eat standing at the kitchen counter or over the sink. Don't eat off the plate of another person, don't eat while you are cooking, I don't even taste while I am cooking, I just trust my recipes! If my french fries are too salty, I can almost guarantee that the person who salted them was over weight. With all these rules one would think I would not be fat; I wonder what size I would be if I did not have these rules?

I have a head cold or something, my head feels as though it is going to explode and both ears hurt, even my teeth hurt. I stayed home today hoping to sleep it off but as soon as I lay down I start coughing. One would think I could drop a few pounds while I am not eating, but my stubborn body appears to be holding on to its' fat for dear life, acting as though I may never feed it again. It seems my fat has found comfort in all of its favorite places; my inner thighs, my back, the floatation ring above my belly and my arms; I swear there is no muscle in my arms.

I guess there is one positive to being over weight... My husband and I were out with friends we hadn't seen in a while and one of them commented on the fact that he felt we women were aging better than the men were; I pointed out that my husband, although bald, has very few wrinkles and this friends comment was, "That's because his face is so fat you can't see them!" I told my hubby that I would not make him the belly of my jokes, but that is some funny stuff!

Knowing I have a full face, makes me feel as though fewer wrinkles show as a result, so there's the silver lining, I just may go eat some ice cream!

A friend of mine once told me that if you only eat things that have a mother or come from the ground, you will be eating healthy and will be more likely to stay thin. Oh, she said not to eat anything white either. She is my age, thin and healthy so there must be something to it. I thought I would give it a try, I lasted about three days and then had a brilliant idea...

I'm sure you are all familiar with the three second rule; so does that mean if I drop a brownie on the ground and pick it up and eat it that it qualifies as coming from the ground? I will use the three second rule!

Okay, I know she means grows in the ground, like fruits and vegetables, or has a mother like eggs and meat, but I think I mentioned earlier that when it comes to food, many of us can justify anything. I had a friend once who threw donuts in the sink an ran water over them so she would not eat them and as I recall, she did so any way; okay, I am not that bad, and I want to be a size eight so while in New York, I will shop rather than eat. Perhaps that is why my husband does not mind my being chubby.

I am in New York and I have been pretty good, if I do say so myself. We had a delicious dinner tonight, I had sea bass stuffed with crab. If only I had stuck with my meal; we had sides for the table, amazing mashed potatoes, incredible mac and cheese and I have to admit that I shared creme brule with my daughter, I figure sharing helps, right?

We have walked and walked and walked, which leads me to a rather funny story. My heel got stuck in the crack of the side walk and I almost fell. Being in New York and all, no one seemed to notice, but later when I stepped on a rise in the cement and almost fell once again, there were people who saw that and found it as funny as I would have if I saw a chubby woman trip in Town Square!

I am pretty sure Donald Trump's son was at the table next to us. If it was him he looks like he has lost some weight and he is better looking than I thought. I said it before, size matters.

I am in New York for the weekend and just had dinner with friends. We went to an amazing Tapas place. Nicole and I shared a bottle of Pinot Nior and we ate buffalo mozzorella with red peppers and pricuitto to start with. We then had chicken, skirt steak, scallops and shh don't tell anyone, we shared cheese cake.

I realized, for me diet is not a four letter word, it's an acronym...Did I eat that? The answer is yes and it was amazing. I walked two blocks to the apartment, that should count as exercise, right? Over dinner, Nicole gave me a great idea, in the future, when I want cookies, cheese cake or a brownie, I will eat them in the morning, her rationale is that I have all day to work it off!

My daughter and granddaughter arrive tomorrow, this ought to be an interesting weekend, they each weigh 100 pounds and like to eat. Oh, I forgot to share my plane ride. You know how you always seem to get stuck next to the fat person who incroaches on your space? Well, today I realized I may be the fat person, I was sitting next to my chubby hubby and felt as if I could not move my arms, I hate sitting on a plane, I mean really, who is comfortable on a plane? If you are comfortable on a plane, you must be a size two because size matters!

Over the years I have tried various diet and exercise programs. I have had three personal trainers, oh wait, make that four. I forgot about that one big hunk of a... That's not what this blog is all about. Back to my exercise routine. I typically asked for the best looking guy as my trainer because I figured I would be more likely to push myself if he was good looking. I did push myself, when I was there, but somehow I always found other things to do and gave up training. I played Wii for a while and got bored, I rode my bike, I walked, I did various dance, kick boxing and crazy videos with annoyingly perky people. Most recently I joined a club that offers just about everything you can think of. Booty boot camp and kick boxing are my favorites, but I did try pole dancing. Let me say when you are my size and you have to stand in front of a mirror between Trixi and Candy in their five inch spiked heels and short shorts, you decide that you look more like you belong in the window of a mexican restaurant in San Diego making tortillas then pole dancing! Word of advice, don't pole dance if you are larger than a size six because size matters!

Before I share some fun exercise experiences with you, allow me make reference once again to my bust reduction. Here's a visual... imagine a cross between those little gel guys from the Dr, Scholls commercials and the little scrubbing bubbles guys from shower cleaners; are you with me? That is what I invision is happening to me, these little fat fellas are running around finding new places to attach themselves because they know they are not supposed to be in my boobs or belly. Where did these little annoying fat fellas decide to make a home for themselves? Well let's just say I look as though I am wearing a child's flotation ring! I have this roll of fat all around me from just under my boobs. If I could somehow move the fat from under my arm and my back, to my boobs I would need another reduction!

I have heard people blame menopause, did they put the words men and pause in there as a very bad joke? Are we supposed to pause and reflect on how we once looked?

That's enough reflecting for one day, I will share an exercise story tomorrow, come back for another helping!

The ugly truth...if you wake up one morning and look in the the mirror and ask yourself, "How did I allow myself to get here?" You may be using justifications and rationalizations so please accept my tips below:

• French fries are not considered one of your vegetable servings
• Orange slices made by Brach's are not really a fruit serving
• Milk Duds are not dairy even though milk is in their name
• If it's low calorie or fat free it does not mean it's okay to eat more

You will find that I may exaggerate from time-to-time, but that's just for the entertainment value. For those who know me, knowing when to insert sarcasm is useful too.

Now that I have your attention with the title; allow me to explain what my blog is all about.

The idea is to share my painful, delicious and entertaining experiences as I have gone from a size zero at age sixteen to a size twelve at age thirty nine/ten.

I will begin with a little history. For as long as I can remember, I was self conscientious about my stomach. When I was less than 100 pounds, I wrapped a towel around me when I got out of the pool so no one would see my belly.

About five or six years ago, I had a brilliant idea. A bust reduction and tummy tuck would give me the body I wanted. In my mind, once I was rid of the belly bulge and those heavy, neck and back wrenching things I carried around, I would be happy with my body.

Was I wrong!

Stay tuned