This is it...I was all dressed and ready to go the the gym when hubby told me dinner would be ready in fifteen minutes. Rather than exercise for ten, I am going after dinner. I wonder how much I will be able to do after eating pasta? It is wheat pasta with ground turkey but still. More than likely that will be my excuse for not over doing it. I love that I always have hubby to blame for my failures! I did not get the opportunity to have my oatmeal this morning because I had two new hires that kept me busy until about 11:00 with paperwork and orientation and all. I had a healthy lunch, in fact my assistant was so kind he asked them to make my portion smaller than usual because he noticed that the last time I had it, I threw a good part of it away.

Okay, I just finished my pasta and I now have a terrible case of heartburn, is that a good excuse for not exercising?

Perhaps it's like swimming and I have to wait for half an hour.

Oh this sports bra is killing me, but if I take it off I will not go. Oh poop, here goes.

Oh one last thought, I could work out until I get sick and purge the pasta I just ate, now there's a good head start, I am so clever! Bye for now.

I just can't get motivated! What is wrong with me? If Kirstie Alley can do it, I certainly should be able to. Did you see the hill she climbed? After watching her last show I looked into a fat farm. I thought that perhaps a week at a fat farm could give me the boost I needed. Let me just say, those places are not cheap. While I seek an alternative I had better get ready for work or I will not even be able to give thought to considering a fat farm. On the other hand, without a job I could not afford to go out to eat, which is in part how I got to the place I am today. Just kidding, I have to get over it and get motivated.

I am open to suggestions if anyone cares to share some ideas, perhaps Meatless in March has some ideas, he seems to have done an amazing job, the skinny little bitch. LOL, he's my son, I can say that and get away with it! Looking at my fit children should be a good reminder that I am not supposed to be fat. Oops, time to get in the shower, bye for now.

I am not a happy camper! I just watched Kirstie Alley's new show and she must have read my blog (LOL). But seriously, she is doing what I set out to do only she is doing it in front of a camera. She even stole my pet name, well sort of. I called Rich my Chubby Hubby and she is calling her handyman her Chubby Buddy. I guess now I have to compete with her.

There is one thing she thought of that I didn't and that is, rather than say how many pounds she needs to lose she refers to how many stones she needs to lose. A stone is valued at fourteen pounds. It is much easier to say I need to lose about three stones. No more weekends like the one I just had, yummy as it was. Here goes, wish me luck!

We just came back from having an amazing meal and let me tell you... little Miss Skinny Bitch came up with a good one. They served us four pieces of the best Bruchetta I have ever tasted and each of us had eaten one piece. I knew we were going to have an incredible meal so I was going to stop at one, but Bambi said, "You know, we really should eat this bread because we need it to soak up the alcohol we are about to drink." Is that genius or what? So, we just ate, both pieces of bruchetta, gnnoche, eggplant, butternut squash ravioli, and veal/filet mignon meatballs. I swear Bambi had a private moment with her meatball!

Did I mention we had two melon martini's each, red wine and special dessert coffee. Now we are about to open another bottle of wine and play slumber party while wearing our matching Victoria Secret PJ's!

You may be wondering what happened to my blog. Here's the thing, I really thought that humor would motivate me and help me to exercise more so that I had funny things to write about. Unfortunately that has not been the case. Instead, I work long hours and I am too tired to think about exercise. When I get home I start thinking about things I can eat and I actually entertain the idea of eating bad stuff to give me something to write about. I am one sick puppy! I am still down three pounds but I have not been working out. I can't say I have been bad (with eating), but I have not been great either. I am sticking to stopping when I am full and I find that restaurants really serve large portions. This gives me an idea...remember the old days when you went to a restaurant and they asked you if you wanted to be seated in "smoking" or "Non-smoking"? I think they should start asking "Fit" or "Fat", that way if you are watching what you eat, you don't have to see the fried mozzarella or banana cream pie cross your path, the fatties on the fat side will be eating that! You will be happy with your grilled veggies and baked chicken on a tea party plate!

My friend Bambi is coming to spend the weekend (skinny bitch #1) she hates when I say that, but anyway, I am pretty confident that aside from the fact that I am taking her to my favorite Italian restaurant and I bought a nice bottle of Pinot Nior, we will probably eat pretty healthy. I sure hope I don't find the three pounds I lost while at Gaetano's!

Okay, as if perky little skinny exercise types don't bug me enough...

I was so looking forward to the weekend so I could sleep in. However, I was rudely awakened by a kid testing a microphone and sounds of women with annoying laughs and voices preparing for some sort of event. Apparently there is a fund raising run taking place on this beautiful day. Had I known, I might have participated, at least if I was getting some exercise I would feel as though getting up at 5:30 a.m. on a Saturday was for a good cause! Instead, I am not able to open our doors to enjoy the beautiful day because the singing fourteen year old is awful. She is singing songs that should be sung by adults and she is so bad that the dogs are all barking obnoxiously. So much for sleeping in. I did practice Spanish for an hour or so, caught up on some emails and facebook and now I am writing this blog.

We were invited to Malibu for the weekend and decided not to go because hubby and I are both exhausted and didn't want to make the drive. Bad choice, at least we could have slept in and been awakened by the sound of crashing waves rather than cackling hens and singing that compares to scratching a chalkboard.

The big question is, shall I get motivated and go for a walk or go to the gym?

Weighing myself this morning reminded me of the fact that in the past, when someone asked how much I weighed I would say, "The last time I weighed myself I weighed 120 pounds". Of course, I never bothered to tell them that I had not weighed myself since I was about twenty. Another thing I used to say was, "I wear a size six" and then under my breath I would say, "in underwear". That was all well and good for a while, and then, I got too big to get away with it. The rude awakening was when I went to the doctor and when the medical assistant told me to step on the scale and the little thing had to be moved I was sure she was stepping on the corner of the scale. Unfortunately that was not the case. Five pounds became ten and ten fifteen and so on, I am going to put an end to this cycle. Tonight I had turkey and asparagus. Okay, so I just ate a Milano, but that's it! I guess I will see how Meatless in March is doing.

I actually lost three pounds! Three pounds just by not continuing to eat when I am full. What a concept! This is better than the time I joined one of those popular diet places, ate their food, followed their program without deviating at all and gained a pound.

I was chatting with my friend Eric yesterday and he reminded me that I need to get back on the tennis court. We used to play every Sunday and I gave up tennis when I took up hockey; now I am doing neither. Thinking about my tennis days reminded me of a funny story, once again involving my pre-bust reduction. I was playing with my friend Joan, we were in a USTA tournament and I was serving. Our opponent hit a drop shot and I ran for the ball from deep in the court and because of my being top heavy when I lunged for the shot at a dead run, I could not stop and I proceeded to flip over the net, I rolled and jumped up pretending I was not hurt. We were in a tie breaker set and I was not going to give up, nor would Joan have allowed me to. My husband was upstairs watching and I knew he was having a fit so I refused to look up at him; I just continued to play pretending everything was fine. Meanwhile, I am not even sure if our opponents noticed that I was holding my racquet in my left hand because I could not grip with my right. My shoulder and back were killing me and my hand was throbbing; but we won the match! Those were the days, I think I do need to find myself a partner to start playing again. Oh Andre, I am ready when you are!

Yesterday I commented on all the fad diets and then I came across the US Weekly with Kelly Osbourne on the cover. First let me say...says she lost 42 pounds, which is right about the amount I want to lose and she looks really good, now. But what scares the poop out of me is the way she looked before dieting...if I need to lose 40 pounds and she lost 42, does that mean I look like she did pre-diet? OMG if that's the case I really need to get motivated! Kelly's plan is a low carb diet and she does not deprive herself of the things she really likes, so hopefully she will keep the weight off, unlike K.A. (Cheers) Kelly's plan reinforces my belief that eating off my tea party dishes is the key! All those fad diets and diets that deprive you of the good foods are only temporary because as soon as you reach your goal and start to eat the things you like, you still have not taught yourself to eat smaller quantities and you end up right back where you were, hence K.A. We Americans are so spoiled and we eat too much. Remember the days when there was no such thing as super-sized! I have gone back to stopping when I am full, thereby reducing my portion size and yes about half of what a restaurant serves is all I need to be full.

I was thinking about all the crazy diets and fads that are supposed to help you lose weight; such as:

Cabbage soup diet Lipo-suction Dexitrim

Atkins diet Lipo-dissolve Alli

Low carbs Slim-fast Medifast

The cookie diet Nutri-system Jenny Craig

Weight Watchers Lap-band

All these crazy fad diets and very few actually work, why can't we just learn to eat smaller portions? I went to Target tonight and purchased a set of tea party dishes from the toy department, my theory is to eat whatever I want, but in small quantities. What was my motivation? My friend Ali's boyfriend...watch the attached clip and see if you can figure out what diet he was on. Click herehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXJjMagxCno

please note, this is really not my friend, but I wanted to share!

You know how, when you are up high on a cliff or something and a person will say, "Don't look down and the first thing you do is look down?" That's the problem with the word diet. As soon as I say I am on one, I want things that I don't even normally crave.

I decided the key is to NOT use the word diet, rather I am right sizing, it's used in business, but I think it fits better personally.

I need all the help I can get, and I hope you realize that I know this is one me, when I blame my hubby for buying cookies, I realize that he is not force feeding them to me. It is up to me to exercise and right size. Why is that when you go to the market to buy produce, they put the bakery right next to the produce. So while I am selecting the best oranges and bananas, I have to pass by the cookies and donuts, that is just not nice!

That's it...I have to get motivated; no more excuses, I must get back to an exercise routine and start eating the right foods. I woke up at 4:30 yesterday and could not get back to sleep so I cleaned out my cupboards, one of which was my pantry. I figured I should get rid of anything tempting. There were potato chips and milano cookies, both milk chocolate and dark chocolate. For the most part, it looked pretty good, the pastas are wheat and no other really bad things. Here is the problem...I started to throw them away and this little voice said, "You shouldn't waste good food, just eat it all and don't buy more." Or shall I say, don't allow hubby to buy more for me, it's all his fault you know. Oh there were Reeces eggs too, but I took those to the office to use during training last night. Will power is not easy, I have ice cream too, but that's in the freezer. Baby steps right?

I was listening to old music and one of my favorites came on; the song used to be about me; I was once a Brick House, but now I am an Apartment Complex , or as my friend Lisa would say, "Double Wide"and that just does not fit as lyrics so I must get motivated! Do you think hearing that song was a sign? Does anyone have any brilliant suggestions for motivating me?

I cannot take credit for this posti, but it was too good not to use...

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines... I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

________________________________

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too..

_______________________________

THURSDAY:

Butt hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.

_________________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that jackass Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel...

________________________________

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

I am still not feeling well so I don't have my usual inspiration, but I was thinking about a couple of things from my past. When I was about thirteen, my cousin Monica and I wrapped ourselves in saran wrap; our intent was to sleep that way in hopes that our stomachs would shrink while we slept. My mother caught us and made us take it off. I can't help but wonder if we were on to something; look at the money being made by spas with various wraps. Gee Mom, not only are you partially responsible for our belly's, you cost us money too! LOL